Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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