Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize