Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
