this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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