His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
