I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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