Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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