Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
