Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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