She's JV to your varsity
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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