I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
