All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
