I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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