i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
