i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
