I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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