i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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