He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
