While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
