My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
