I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
