My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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