cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
