It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
