she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
