dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
