Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
