I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Quick, to the slutcave!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
