You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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