i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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