u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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