my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
