Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
