I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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