I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
