You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
