what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
