Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
