I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
