cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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