To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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