Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize