I just gift wrapped bread.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
