did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
