if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
