i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
