The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
