I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
