my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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