I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
