My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize