Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
