Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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