i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
