u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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