On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize