Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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