I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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