I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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